


You Will Never Know

by trashandgay



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Compliant, I tried ok, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Canon, Unrequited Love, and need people to approve of my shit to feel good about myself, but i hope u read it anyway, cause im an attention whore, i literally wrote this in like 10 minutes so its very bad, like really bad, like really really bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 12:23:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19463917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashandgay/pseuds/trashandgay
Summary: Steve just left and Bucky is not okay.





	You Will Never Know

Bucky never thought he'd miss anyone this much. He always thought that the people he cared about would always stay beside him, no matter what happened. He thought that he'd at least deserved that, after everything he's been through. He deserved some happiness. He had just lost everyone. And now that he's back, he finds out that two of his favourite people weren't here anymore.

One of them was dead, the other willingly left him.

Of course, he's not mad at Natasha for dying. No, he doesn't blame her. He did wish she were still alive, seeing as she was one of the few people he considered a 'friend.' He loved and missed her so much. He wished she were still here. He needed someone to talk to, and she was always there for him when he needed her. Maybe it was time for her to rest after everything she's done. Not just for him, but for everyone. After all, everyone deserved a break.

And Steve. God, Steve. He also deserved a break. And it might have been selfish to ask him to stay, so he didn't. Of all people, Bucky thought that Steve would be the last one to leave.

For Steve, it might've been five years since he last saw Bucky. He had time to move on. He had time to change.

But Bucky was the same person. It all felt like a few seconds to him. One second he was dead, the other he finds out that he's alive and that his best friend was going to leave.

It all didn't seem fair. He was sad. He was angry. But what could he do? He just has to let Steve go on with his life the way he's always wanted to. It's become clear how little Bucky mattered to Steve.

Steve was Bucky's whole world, even though he was only just a small part of Steve's story.

He did not think he was worthy of being the main character of even his own story. He will always be a side character. Never as important. Always less worthy of everyone around him. They might need him to progress throughout their story, but they could do just fine without him. Steve was proof of that.

Yes, Bucky had helped Steve in some ways, but in the end, Steve won't have to rely on Bucky for everything.

But Bucky felt so hopeless without Steve. It's like being warm and finally having a home after so many years of emptiness, and then it all getting snatched away from you without your consent.

He just wanted Steve back. He just wanted to be seventeen again. He feels seventeen whenever he's with Steve. He was a hundred years old. His age only came to him as a shock whenever he was alone. He would remember. He would remember everything.

And, usually, when that happens, he'd have Steve bring him back to reality again. Now, he doesn't even have him anymore. He has to try to stay in touch with reality by himself. He feels as if he's slipping away. He wouldn't be surprised if one day he doesn't remember anything except Steve, if he makes his own reality with Steve in his head.

This always happens. He always gets too attached to people he knows will eventually leave him. But he never thought Steve would. He thought he'd always be here with him. Forever.

He knew, deep down, that no one in their right mind would stay with him. Not willingly. He was so fucked up, so useless, so dependent. He was a bad person. He was made of nothing but evil. And Steve, the embodiment of good, could not stay with someone like him forever. It was not fair to Steve either. To be with someone so different from him, with someone who'd never make him happy.

And maybe he'd stayed with Bucky all those years to try to replace the hole in his heart when Peggy died. And now that he's found a way to go back to her, of course he'd take it.

And Bucky understood. He would've done the same thing if it was Steve who was stuck in the past. He gets it. But he could not handle the thought of meaning this little to someone he cares about so much. It just wasn't right.

He had just lost everything, and now he's losing Steve, too.

And as he looks at Steve for what he thinks will be the last time, he wishes he could just have two more minutes alone with him. He would tell him everything he wished he had said before. If only he knew how little time they had left together. He would've fought more. He would've _done_ something.

But it was too late now. The matter was completely out of his hands. Not that he ever had a choice. All his life, he never had a choice in anything. And he regrets not taking control of his life. He regrets not making every second count.

But that's a lesson for another day. He was too sad and tired to care. Now that Steve is leaving him forever, his life would become pointless. Not that it was interesting before. But at least he's always had Steve.

And now he doesn't.

He tries not to let the heartbreak show on his face as he watches Steve appear on a bench not too far from where he was standing.

Bucky tells Sam to go talk to him, because he doesn't think he's stable enough to have a proper conversation with a completely different Steve. With a Steve who just completely forgot about him and went back in time for Peggy. And yeah, it wasn't fair. He was Steve's longtime best friend after all, and, in his opinion, he should've been the one to go talk to Steve. But Steve did not think about that before choosing to stay in the past. So why should he?

And Bucky would rather die than admit how small and lonely and broken he felt without him, even though he was only gone for a few seconds. Bucky instantly knew this was the way he was going to feel for the rest of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> god im sorry this is so bad skskskjs
> 
> also i watched endgame like ages ago and i still cry about it every night


End file.
